Why Cyclists aren't Cool

In case you're unaware of this factoid: Cyclists aren't cool. We try, God knows we try. We even buy overpriced shorts. We have special hats. We constantly obsess over our rides. We even work out!

But in the end we're still riding a one man vehicle which denies the primary purpose of life: To have sex and create more people. Well, at least that's the apparent purpose of life to anyone under 22. And let's face it: "Cool" is a term that exists to help people under 22 find a fertile partner.

To make matters worse we actually tuck our pants into our socks (or worse yet, buy a special strap) to keep it out of our chain. If we were cool we'd put that bike where it belongs: In the garage. Then we'd drive a friggin' car cause it's just easier! We'd eat chips (crisps, chips, or fries as long as it's a fried potato) and get fat like a normal person. Then we'd go on to demand free health care for our now necessary heart surgeries.

There's just nothing cool about cycling. But we would be doing fine if it weren't for these guys.


These guys retroactively made us all uncool. I vote that we kick them off the island.